A Male Bumble Review

Welcome to bumble

I know that I said I hated free dating apps and sites, but a few days ago I bit the bullet and downloaded Bumble.  I also had to make a dummy Facebook account because I tossed my original one into the trash 5 years ago.

For those that don’t know, its a swipe app and after you are matched, the woman has to reply first within 24hrs of matching, and we have to reply back within 24hrs or you lose your shot.

Observation #1 is that almost all of the girls on it are beautiful – my initial run through had me literally trying to find ones that weren’t right-swipe worthy, and it was hard.  But I digress, looks alone are great in your 20’s but I desire a wee bit more than that in my 30’s and unless they tell you about themselves in the short bio, you are left to go off nothing but looks, location, age and (optional) career + education.

How about height?  I am 6 foot and don’t want to swipe on anyone taller.

Religion? I love and celebrate Christmas and other Christian holidays and its an instant deal breaker if you don’t.

Body type?  Self explanatory.

The other issue here is the widely discussed algorithm they have in place for men.  When I first signed up and started swiping I got about 5 or 6 matches and was messaged by 3 ladies.  Pretty normal I thought, until later on I realized I had swiped hundreds of profiles and the matches all but stopped – and I wanted to know why so I did some digging.

Basically, new male members are sent to the bottom of the barrel and have to work their way up to be shown to the more popular members based on how many right swipes we get over time.  I assume the first batch of matches I got was a little taste of the top to convince me to not insta-delete the app out of frustration.  From my research other men experienced the same thing right after signing up.

Fair enough I thought, over a week or so I should have generated enough right swipes to be “in the show” but even this was flawed.  Apparently many men right swipe everyone which in-turn makes almost every right swipe for women a match which bogs down the entire system.  It could be weeks or months before a girl I right-swiped on today even comes across my profile.

I’ve also scrolled though at least 15 previous dates hanging out on here so this has been like a reunion, with a left swipe adios.

I am at 4 days in and I get 1, maybe 2 matches a day and I have pretty much stopped swiping so it can catch up.  Oh, I take it you have noticed the image up there – here’s another

It’s not just guys……

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mrs Red Flag City

She had sent me a message on match but her profile only had one picture and it wasn’t of her – it was of an ocean.  I quickly told her I need to see what she looks like – she says she took them all down due to receiving “weird messages from men”.

That was the first red flag.

She uploads a blurry head shot, then a couple more showing her very nice body, I am game.  So we start chatting.  She had been through a (I assume rough) divorce 2-3 years prior and told me she had taken quite a bit of time to heal and get her mojo back, which is understandable.  We seem to gel pretty well, so I go for the date and she shoots me down!  She says she had her tonsils pulled 3 weeks ago and she’s still healing from that!

There’s the second red flag.

Our slew of messages has now deteriorated to maybe one a day as I have no idea what this chicks deal is, but she continues to send messages – now asking things you ask in person.  Personality types, what am I looking for, where do I see myself in 5 years type questions.  I send a sly answer and firmly ask again for the meet and she agrees.  I tell her I’ll find a nice spot at the half way point and she likes the idea.

I find a really nice, quiet cafe, booth style seating, nice ambiance – perfect for a first date, but remember what I am dealing with.

Yeah – she said that wasn’t going to work as she used to live in the area (big town with a population of 200,000) and she was fearful of running into someone she knows, and asks if I can pick another spot in the next town over.

3rd red flag, you’re outta here!

I told her this was never going to work, she had way too many rules and restrictions – among whatever the hell else was causing her to act like that.

Wanna know what she responded with?

“Nothing ventured nothing gained”

Someone needs to heed their own advice.

The end.

 

Objects in Mirror….

We had been chatting for about a week before I suggested a place to meet up.  She only had two pictures, both from the shoulders/boobs up.  Her frame looked normal size so I thought nothing of it.

Curly haired Italian chick that told me she worked out every day – so I really had my guard down.

As I was driving to the meeting spot, she texted me that she was there and waiting, about 45 minutes early!  She said to let her know when I arrived, which I did before heading in – but I saw nobody that looked like her.

Right then I got a text, she had gone to the wrong location, big time.  She wasn’t even in the right city!  I laughed it off and waited for her to show…

I watched her pull in and exit her car and right then I knew I was in trouble.  She was 29, but the two pictures were clearly taken when she was 21 or 22 and she had changed a lot in that time frame.  She could have honestly said she was the girl’s mother and I would have bought it.  Much different face, significantly overweight and tired looking.

She also had something that looked like a rug draped over her shoulders, I assume to try and stay covered up or something.

I had one drink and left

 

 

The Fall Fling

We met on match the last go-round back in the early fall of 2016 – it was during my last week on the site before a long wanted break.  She was blonde, nicely built, act together – own house, new car, good job etc.  I drove to her town which was about 40 mins west of the GTA to meet at a restaurant for tapas and drinks (you can never go wrong with tapas, gents).

She showed up looking hot in a nice dress and sun glasses – and we quickly got along.

After eating I shot for the usual “wanna go for a walk?” and off we went.  We then ended up sitting on a bench talking about our teen and 20’s jobs – comparing who had done more.  I won, barely – then either she or I suggested going for a drive – both not about to cut this short.  I use to live in the area and know all the back-roads and hidden gems – but she directed us back to her place first.  She gave me a nice tour of her extremely well decorated home before we hopped in her car and headed out for our country drive.

I knew of a cool lake-side marina / restaurant so that was our first stop and it blew her away – mainly because of its proximity to her home and she had no idea it even existed.  We had a couple of drinks and were soon back on our tour.

I had high hopes but as she got more comfortable with me, she began opening up too much and too soon.  Her family issues, hating her father and not caring when he died, renting a room to a college kid and the issues with that, her mother, sister, multiple work issues – the negativity started way too soon and started dripping water on the small flame that had literally just started two hours ago between us.

It was in the midst of this and our tour that we cut it short and pointed the stern back towards her place.  We got there, said our farewells and I headed home.

As I drove I didn’t really know what to think – but I was for sure going to give her another shot, hoping the negative ramblings would end in the future.  Prior girls had hinted at issues on first dates before – but nothing like that unloading.

We were quickly in-touch again and she said dinner was on her, back in her town – I was game.  I picked her up and we went to a very nice old little house that had been converted to a restaurant.  We sat at  a table for two in the backyard dodging falling acorns, which was funny.  It was a very nice time.

Then we ended up back at her place – and within minutes in her bed.  We left dinner around 9pm and I was headed home when we were done around 2am. Holy shit was she loud – no word of a lie she woke the entire block and when I mentioned it, she didn’t even care (lol).  I only left purely to avoid the morning rush – at around 6am the normal 40 min drive home would turn into 2 or 3 hours and she had to work in the morning anyway.

We set the next date at my place – for Friday night – and then we would spend the long weekend together leaving the next day on a road trip to a lake Huron beach / party town.  We had fun at my place going for a nice waterfront waltz and then  making poutine together.

The next day we set out on our 3-4 hour drive, stopping for food at road-side greasy spoons and grabbing snacks at bakery’s before  getting there just in time to grab the last available hotel room in the entire town.

We then went to the beach where she swam and I managed to get burnt to a crisp before heading back into the town to buy booze, head back to the room, order pizza and spend time in the hot tub and pool together.  At the beach I did abruptly remind her to stop talking about work bullshit and to enjoy the moment – she gave me a deer in the headlights look initially, but quickly agreed and was on-board.

We spent the rest of the night between the hot tub / pool and hanging out on the patio drinking and eating pizza outside the sliding glass door behind our room – and having intense, extremely loud sex sprinkled in-between.

That drunken night we had a bit of a spat – I said I didn’t like her negativity and she yelled at me saying it hurt her to say that – so I nipped it in the bud, hoping she would too.

I then knew this was just a fling – I loved the fun we were having but long-term this thing wasn’t happening – we were simply incompatible.  Things like this are fun – but facing each other on Monday morning in the real world??  Whatever it was I had checked out.

The next morning we headed home, me thinking home too, but she insisted we just go back to her place again for the night.  Being done with it, I was a little uneasy staying another night – but I went with it (my car was still at my place).  We stopped for groceries and bought ingredients to make tacos.

-enter another multi hour session-

In the morning I drove back to my place, gave her a kiss, hopped out and I watched her drive away.

How do I get out of this??

Easy – she peppered me with more emotional texts asking for drives to places over an hour away during working hours “I thought I could count on you” etc.  I simply told her we are incompatible – I had fun, but this is done.  She sent many texts back thanking me for not leading her on, she could slow down if I wanted etc. Called and left messages..

Even a month later.

We had technically only been on 5 dates – I’d be cool with it under other circumstances – and I am leaving lots out but I am not here to bash people.

We were just not a match.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 Types Of Toronto Women

The landed world traveler

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She literally landed from you-name-it within months or even weeks.  Australia, anywhere in Europe, Asia, middle east, helping starving kids in Africa, whatever else and even next door US.  She has many stories, nothing crazy, but has chosen Toronto to settle and start a family.  Except it’s not that simple honey.  I am usually one of their first realizations to this – never the last.  I avoid them now as they are usually worse than re-bounders with their false timelines and expectations.  This person lives in a bubble.

The Lawyer

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Oh the lawyers.  From recent grads to juniors and  law firm partners, I’ve met them all on dates.  It’s funny too, as the partner is far more relaxed and open than the junior is.  Almost all agree that they bit off more than they could chew and seriously hate the job.

The born and bred city girl

(KIKA) - BEVERLY HILLS - Paris Hilton non riesce proprio a passare inosservata. La bionda ereditiera anche durante una passeggiata a Beverly Hills non ha rinunciato a sfoggiare un look glamour composto abbinando un miniabito nero ai collant, stampati come fossero un paio di autoreggenti, in tinta con il giubbino e le scarpe di vernice dal tacco alto. Per completare il tutto Paris Hilton ha abbinato un bauletto argentato della sua collezione e i grandi occhiali da sole griffati Prada. *** Local Caption ***

Not many dates with this one, they tend to repent me.  I grew up bouncing between south western Ontario and Muskoka, a “country boy” if you will and the city chicks don’t jive with it, nor do I with them. Include Oakville.

 

The non city girl

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This is the one I have the best success with – All surrounding towns and cities are open season, as close as Milton to the west, Pickering to the east and Bradford to the north.  They are so much more real, legit and free.  Canadian country boys also have a deep unknown bond and connection with southern girls from the US that needs further exploration.

The work bitch

Business Communication - Angry Woman

When I moved to the city back in 2008 I couldn’t fathom the amount of workplace back stabbing, bullshit and distrust among people in the corporate workforce.  And after a few years you could pin it on one or a few bitches.  I’d call them out on their bs routinely – these are deeply disturbed idiots acting out and disrupting  entire companies.  Anyone that has worked in an office knows who I am talking about.

That aside – they are also single and dating (imagine my surprise).  The feeling is weird when the work bitch from another company is now in hot pursuit of you.  Remember opposites attract, or better sense, polarity attracts.  They usually have severe daddy issues, bang on the first date and stalk when you don’t call back, you’ve been warned.

 

 

 

 

 

The Hot Pants

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I am a sucker for girls that wear shiny tight black leggings, big time, and when she walked in wearing them I couldn’t have been happier.  I ordered a beer, she wine and then we shared a huge plate of nachos and cheese.  I had big plans for this one, but nearing the end of the date she told me how she absolutely does NOT kiss on a first date and how she had squirmed away from the last guy that tried.

Ugh.  Structured.

“Maybe the cheek”

I won’t say the conversation was all that great, all she really talked about was her mundane job (in an attempt to glorify)  and she had a really low overall energy about herself.  I did manage to make her laugh and loosen up but she was low energy at the core.  I also didn’t get to indulge in her hot-pant glory as we were in a booth and she never got up – so I knew what to plan for date #2 after giving her a peck on the cheek at the end of date #1.

We would play pool!

I set the date up at a pool hall / bar / grille in an attempt to make things more upbeat and active as 2nd dates should be, my hopes were soon dashed.

She showed up looking like she hadn’t slept, or dare I say showered in a week.  Her done up hair legit looked greasy.    All pool tables were being used so we were once again stuck in a booth with her going on and on about her job while nearly putting me to sleep.

Conversation sputtered along until I got the bill and we left.  In both cases her uber driver showed up within seconds killing my end date kissing game, but I did manage to plant one on her willing lips at the end, but I knew this one was D.O.A.

The next day I received a text thanking me for the nachos but she wasn’t feeling the mutual chemistry that we should be at this point and I was quick to agree with her.  I love not having to be the schmuck – and wished her all the best.

Without her telling me of her structured rules I would have kissed her passionately, or at least tried, at the end of date #1 and only one of two things would have happened.  She would have enjoyed it, or cheeked me.  If she enjoyed it, date #2 would have been much more interesting and if she cheeked me it would have been over right then and there.

 

The Hot Momma

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I’ll be straight, I really don’t date women with kids – not because I am against it, it’s because most of the single women around here simply don’t have any.  But way back when I started this journey I went on a 2nd date where my date brought her 5-year-old niece and we went ice skating, where I promptly ended up having more fun with the niece than I did my date! (I helped her learn to skate better and was then greeted by about 100 women within a mile on how cute me and my “daughter” were)  So I have always been open to the idea, it just rarely presents itself.

We met on Match and where it says kids yes/no it just said yes – which means one kid, if there are more it’ll say 2, 3 – whatever.

We met for wine and tapas – she was gorgeous and we had amazing conversation.  But this was where I learned that she had two kids.  I didn’t let that get in the way of our nice evening together though.  She said that she had tried dating a year before, but it was too soon after her divorce so she took more time to herself – which I commended her for, nobody likes a re-bounder 😉

We then went to quiet pub and snuggled into a booth for pints, it wasn’t long before I was on her side and you can assume the rest.  No I didn’t bring her back to my place.  She said we could do that next time, but I would never do that to a single mother without full intentions of a relationship, so after a few pleasant texts we drifted apart and a week later I deleted her phone number from my phone.

The Hot Pizza

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I believe this particular sassy brunette was all but finished with online dating, like most people are in the waning months of a dating site subscription left to linger.  She would take literal days to reply until finally offering me her number as she flat-out “never checked the dating app anymore.”

Been there.

From there we agreed on a pizza date at a place I had never been to before.  We met inside the place and she was well presented.  Perhaps her photos were 3-4 years old but nothing to complain about.  The only thing I can complain about was the pizza.  It was essentially hot sauce, cheese and honey – yes, honey.  Between burning my mouth and lips I also had sticky fingers.  I hate all 3.

From there we went to grab a drink at a really cool bar and we had a great conversation filled with laughs.  This wasn’t like a date, it was like a reunion with that friendly acquaintance that you only use to chat with in the high school smoking section and nowhere else.

Before parting ways we kissed and she said “let’s do this again soon!” and I agreed.

I even set the date for the following weekend, but I truthfully wasn’t really into it after a few days had gone by – while we indeed had a good time I don’t think enough was there to warrant the work involved with meeting again .  The morning of, like she was telepathic, texted me a cancellation saying that after work it was just too much to head back into the city and that she just wasn’t up for it.  I respectfully let her know it was no problem at all and to take care.

Second dates should only happen if you had such an amazing first that you can’t wait for the second and can’t stop thinking about the person  – not out of boredom or “what if”.

The Curvy Blonde

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We met for a coffee in her part of the city and while our conversation flowed nicely, I wasn’t sure if I was all that attracted to her.  After coffee we went to another spot for food before I dropped her off.  A few days later she called me and asked if I would like to see her again – I said sure and set a time that I would pick her up and we would drive around and find a spot to chill at.

The reason I was more or less open to a 2nd date with her was because she stayed all covered up during the 1st and I really had no idea of what type of body she had and I wanted to see the goods.

Date day arrives and I drive to pick her up, meeting her at her front door.  We drove to a busy part of the city, parked the car and walked until we found a weird little hipster paradise that managed to screw up simple bacon and eggs.  Highlight moment was when she managed to spray her entire front-side with hot sauce while trying to get it to come out of the bottle – it looked like a crime scene and smelled absolutely horrid.

After eating (and her cleaning herself up with 400 napkins and a few trips to the ladies room) we left to go for another walk but soon ended up back at her place.

We had tea and watched TV but she made it clear that her bedroom was strictly off limits!  We kissed and played around before I called it a day and went home – knowing I wouldn’t be seeing her again.  She had a very structured vibe about herself and a little controlling which I don’t like.

She texted a few times before I told her there just wasn’t enough chemistry – just not enough click.  She rebutted that clearly all I wanted was sex and I just deleted the message.  No, I don’t go out on two dates with you, pay for everything all in the weak attempt to “use you” for sex.  If I wanted that I would have met her again, but I am not here to waste anyones time, including my own.

 

 

How To Online Date

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Are you ready to take the online dating plunge, but aren’t quite sure of the in’s, out’s and what have you’s ?  Then take a read through my extremely detailed comprehensive list (sarcasm) that I’ve made up after going on 80+ online dates.

Know what you want

Generally by now you should have an idea of what you like in a partner.  Previous relationships have taught you what you like and dislike about potential partners so do your best to screen for this before meeting.  Take it from me, going on aimless and endless dates during the week gets old and tiring pretty quick.  Agreeing to meet someone just because they have nice pictures (we’ll get to pictures in a minute) is also a recipe for disaster if you have absolutely nothing else in relative common.  I’ve made posts before about writing down what you’d like in a partner, looks, interests, deal breakers etc.  This will save you time when online dating so you can meet up with only your best candidates.

Pictures are rarely accurate, accept it

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80/20 rule applies here – 80% of the time they’ll look a little worse and 20% of the time they’ll look a little better.  Often the variance isn’t big enough to sway your opinion but you will have people who blatantly lie.  I’ve met a couple 300+ pounders that I truly thought were less than half that based on their old or doctored pictures, so if you sense this ask for a body shot, if there is any sort of excuse just move on.  If all they have is head shots you can expect to be surprised upon meeting as well unless they have stated “big and beautiful” as their body type.  You’ve been warned.

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Free sites vs Paid sites

I don’t use any free sites, it’s too easy for anyone to sign up, especially women, and then bathe in the attention of receiving hundreds of messages every day all while falsely sending their standards into the stratosphere.

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But alas, all paid sites aren’t created equally.  I’ve made reviews on eHarmony and Elite Singles, neither of which I recommend.  Also any newer app (bumble) is also going to be packed with fake profiles to trick you into signing up.  And ladies – a cheating man isn’t going to pay for a match subscription just to lead you on and get laid.

People on paid sites tend to take the process a lot more serious and if you are serious about meeting someone, you have to be on a paid site.

Beware the rebounders 

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The #1 epidemic of dating and especially online dating is the vast pool of rebounders.  A rebounder is someone that’s fresh out of a long-term relationship that has no clue that they aren’t ready for a new relationship yet.

Rebounders love to lead you on right away, get serious way too quick and then vanish without a trace after realizing they need time to heal from their previous relationship.  They come on strong initially because you are simply their stand in replacement and then usually within a couple of weeks they go all Houdini and you’ll never hear from or see them again.

Rebounder red flags include bringing up their ex (even in passing) during pre-meet conversation or on the 1st date.  If an ex is ever mentioned, at all, they are not over them and you are on borrowed time.  Avoid them, let some other schmuck deal with them and get played.  Always ask when their last relationship was – if its anything less than a year be very wary.  If less than 6 months don’t even bother.  If they mention their ex – bail!  There are plenty of serious people in the dating pool, you only want to focus on them.

Do NOT text or communicate excessively before meeting!

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This one is the most important rule of online dating.  All too often people fall into the trap of texting 24/7 for days/weeks before meeting.  All this does is make you fall for a figment of your imagination that will never materialize into the person you are meeting.  Ever.

The texting and communication, besides getting her warm enough to meet for a date means absolutely nothing until you meet face to face.

I don’t care if you have been chatting about your deepest secrets for months on end – it means nothing until you meet.

The texting is used for setting up the date and perhaps even saying “I am here” once you’ve arrived, that’s it.

 

Good luck!

I could keep on going but I will cut it short here.  Those are the basics to get you started in hopefully the least stressful and most enjoyable way you possibly can.  Good luck!