Are you falling into these dating pitfalls?

sabotage

It sounds crazy, but think about it.  Have you ever purposely not messaged someone on a dating site because they seem like they may actually work as a match?  Have you purposely engaged with people who you knew deep down wouldn’t turn into anything? Why would someone do this?  Its simple…

Fear of actually finding a long-term relationship

Deep down some of us may fear an actual long-term relationship and this can happen for various reasons such as bad previous experiences and /or heartbreak.  Its pretty easy to be an active dater while also avoiding anything resembling commitment by dating people who will never turn into anything serious.

There is another benefit to dating less than ideal people for you…

If it doesn’t work out or they reject, who cares! 

Its pretty easy to toss aside any feelings toward a potential match when its doomed from the start.  Attraction or some other element may line up (usually sex or the potential thereof)  but when you truly aren’t 100% into that person, generally you’re going to be able to deflect them or any feelings you had and move onto the next one when the inevitable ending comes.

What’s the root cause of this?

Trying your best and getting hurt or not willing to put in the work required to court a proper match are usually why people do it, but do you know how bad relationships begin?  You just read it.

 

 

 

 

 

First Dates: Bar vs Coffee

First date 30's dating

Yes, tell me all about your cat, again.

So you’ve met a wonderful person online and you’ve sent multiple messages back and forth.  You’ve exchanged phone numbers, texted each other and in most cases even called each other – now its time to meet.  Where do you go?

This is a more critical stage than you’d think in making that first date turn into a second and third date.  Further, if you can make it to a second date you’ve just significantly increased your chances of meeting many more times.

So how can you ensure that date #1 goes the best that it can?  By choosing the right date setting!

Coffee Date

I’ve been on many coffee dates and none of them went well or resembled anything remotely close to “fun”, and fun is what a first date needs to be.  Now don’t get me wrong, there may be an age bracket out there that prefers “meeting over coffee” on a first date, but this blog isn’t meant for your grandmother.  I’ll even go as far as saying that some of my failed coffee dates would have been better and turned into second dates had we simply chosen another venue rather than adding caffeine to an already jitter filled first date.

Sitting across a small table from someone that you don’t know much about is just bad news.  You need “fun filler” on a first date and this doesn’t exist on a coffee date – the only thing you’ll have to work with is the stranger you’re sitting across from and all too often this leads to boredom, awkward silences and “check please”.

By all means coffee dates can work and turn into second dates, but it’ll take more effort and luck than if you choose to do something else.

Bar setting

This may sound similar to the coffee date but it has one glowing benefit, alcohol.  Bars also sometimes offer activities you can do such as pool, video games or even darts.  None of these matter.  You don’t have to be good at them – the point is simply to get you away from staring at each other from across the table and up onto your feet and being active together.  Don’t go crazy with the drinks either, there is a common two drink rule for first dates which should probably be kept – especially if your wandering hands or sex drive instantly begins going up with your alcohol intake.  You only want to consume enough booze to intellectually loosen up, not…the other stuff.

A bar setting on a first date that involves an activity of some sort as well as a little booze can be fun even if your date isn’t, and isn’t dating supposed to be fun?

 

 

 

 

 

 

eH Leah

Like this but minus the touching, or any positive emotion.

Like this but minus the touching, or any positive emotion.

Blog #24

I’ve been on an eHarmony kick lately.  This was the first site I signed up with but it proved to be a dud compared to the other one I signed up with soon after.  I am talking 10 dates from the other site to 1 eH date here, so a couple weeks ago I figured I’d stoke the eH fire and see what I could get – and get dates I did.

Leah, we’ll call her, and myself started off as many eH flings do by sending canned questions and answers back and forth before finally engaging in normal conversation some time later.  Not long after chatting on the site we moved to text messaging.  Not long after texting I tried to go for the phone call, but this never happened on her behalf, for whatever reason.

Whether she intentionally tried to avoid the call or not didn’t really matter as we had planned to meet a few days later anyway, which was last Friday.

Going into this one I really didn’t have high expectations because at this time I was actively speaking with 3 ladies from eHarmony and Leah was at the bottom of that list.  She was just the least interesting, had an odd-ball seasonal job, no real education and her picture set had everything from a thin mid 20’s version of her all the way to a mid 30’s tired looking version of her.  This was a wild card.

Regardless we met in the parking lot of a coffee shop (gah!) and she was actually quite (initially) presentable.  We made our way inside, ordered our drinks and went to sit down.  I’ll say by around the 15 minute mark I was ready to go.

There was simply no spark.  She acted 40-something instead of 30-something, asked me no questions, blathered about boring topics, and then I could sense a break;  The staff was beginning to close down the coffee shop.  I tried to use this as an escape but was confronted in the the parking lot by her:

“Well we can go to that bar over there”

Me: Hmm, nahh.

Her: Starbucks is just over there

Me: Hmmm..uhh

Her: That bar over there…

Me: Uhhh

2 minutes later we were in line at the Starbucks.

We sat down and it was more of the same, but around 30 minutes later I said I was meeting a friend after our little meet and really should be on my way (which I did and had a good time)

We made our way to the parking lot, and after an awkward-distanced “Nice meeting you” before getting into our vehicles, I was finally out of there.

The end.

 

 

 

Med girl #2

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Blog #23

I am writing about this one just after getting a “Dear John” text message which marked the end of this fast and furious “relationship”.

I don’t even think we had “known” each other for more than 2 weeks and that included the dating site intro, texting, phone call and meeting which was to lead to another meeting which ultimately didn’t happen.

We chatted on the dating site first and she was full of energy and seemed very motivated.  On top of that this girl seemed very aggressive in pursuing me and this came across as a little freaky.  However, she was new to this whole thing saying she had enlisted with online dating less than a week before we bumped into each other.  Right off the bat I figured she was likely just overwhelmed with all of it or felt she was simply excited because she was convinced she had met Mr. Right.

It was her idea to move things to text because she was getting “inundated with messages from men, that she couldn’t reject fast enough” and that texting would be easier than sifting though all the messages to find the new one from me.

Things like that – I’d never heard before, this lady meant business.

We eventually called each other after the texts became too long and tiresome to type – within 10 minutes – “We have too much to talk about for texting”, she said and the phone call went really well.  She was funny, interesting and really pulling things together that we had in common.  She wasn’t letting the chips simply fall as they may, she was physically pulling pieces together to make this work – if that makes sense.

Regardless we had arranged to meet by her place on a Thursday night and she was going to take me on a walking tour of her area.  I thought it was a great date idea and couldn’t wait, until it ended up pouring rain the day we were to meet up.  I had sent her a note saying I hope the rain stops and then she replied that we could always postpone.  I replied when would we postpone to?  Which she replied with “That was a trick question, a little rain isn’t going to scare you off is it”

No, it wasn’t and we changed the date from the walking tour to playing pool at a pub.

The night before we met she had also called me from a very noisy bar after her favorite hockey team had won a game.  I couldn’t even hear her, and honestly thought it was a little weird.  “You’re missing the party” “mummble mummble mummble” “ok see you tomorrow”

Hmmm… I chalked it up as alcohol driven and possibly cause for concern, but whatever.

The next day we met in the parking lot, she actually looked better than her pictures and we shared her umbrella to the pub.  We had a few beers there and played pool before heading to another spot for live music and a couple more drinks.  No denying we got along well, this wasn’t like a typical first date and nothing like an awkward first coffee date type thing, this was fun!

At the live music spot I did end up with my arm around her (liquid courage) before we left as she had to be at work very early the next morning.

Before I had even made it to my door I had received a text from her saying she had such a great time and maybe we could meet that weekend to watch fireworks under the stars, and how it would be romantic.

I told her that was a great idea and we’d make arrangements closer to the day.

That was today.

This morning I texted her asking where and when the fireworks were?  She replied right back saying she was looking up the same thing – but neither of us could find any info on where they were happening by her place.  She then said maybe we’d just get together tomorrow night and watch the hockey game, to which I said that’s a work night and tonight was still the weekend.  She said “for you” as she had to work the next day regardless.

I said I’d come see her when I had to work the next day, and she didn’t, to be fair.

Then she said Ok we’ll hang out tonight but she’ll have to find another date to do the hockey game with the day after.

I said I can probably do the hockey game too!

She then said her friends will be jealous and I can’t “hog her all the time”

I LOL’d that as the joke I thought it was and left her to her work.

About 2 hours ago I got a long text from her, something along the lines of “I can’t see you anymore, I’ve only met you once and I already feel smothered.  I feel you deserve someone that has more time for you”

WHAT!!??

After pacing around for awhile wondering what had just happened I sent a reply.  “I was only showing availability, and I am sorry it went down like this, take care :)”

And that was it – unless I get a drunk dial from her after the hockey game tomorrow, that is.

‘Til next time

 

 

 

 

What I’ve learned after 18 dates

30s dating

Blog #22

Well that was fast.

In just around 3 months I’ve met 18 women and I’ve learned a few things that I will share.

First things first, no matter what is said online or over the phone doesn’t matter the second you lock eyes on one another in person.  At this point everything changes and you’re starting over at zero..

It’s usually not very long after this initial moment when you realize you’re in big trouble for chatting this person up on the dating site based off looks or some other lone attribute.  For men this is most likely the #1 thing to go wrong and make us lose interest, probably the same for women too.

It’s happened to me, a few times, so from this point forward I put more effort into who the woman actually is and why I might like her for a variety of reasons which will at least help me keep things moving intellectually.  One of the @30s_Dater Twitter followers said that you have 12 minutes to impress your date from the time you meet and I wholeheartedly agree with it.

My last date with a lawyer started off pretty slow and I did my best to rev things up to get me through those first 12 minutes and the date ended up going pretty well, so if you’re an active dater – keep the first 12 minutes in mind!

Another thing is to keep an eye on their online dialogue for hints of how they will act in person.  If they’re responding with mindless and boring replies then don’t expect that person to suddenly transform into the life of the party in person, far from it.

Further, the ones that are all over the map online and asking odd ball and weird things will be just like that in person, only amplified.  While I have never really moved on from a lady over one thing she said online, women can be bad for it, but you know what?  They’re probably just doing it from experience (and because they have 53432452345 other interested suitors messaging them).

One thing many active daters tell you not to do is engage in a lengthy build up process.  This is when you slide from messaging each other on the dating site, to texting and calling each other for weeks before meeting.  You will invest time (in some cases months) into a person you really know nothing about and very rarely does it hold together after meeting up, either mutually or worse – one of you doesn’t like the other.

My advice toward this is to find the happy medium.  Don’t spend every waking moment connected to this person of mutual interest, but stay engaged enough to keep it interesting before your planned date.

The flip side of this is messaging each other 3-4 times and then meeting.  I’ve done that a few times too and those dates were usually the worst ones, in the least make a serious effort to get the person on the phone before meeting.  The phone will tell you things about the other person that messaging and texting cannot touch and the information you’ll learn can be priceless.

Until next time!

 

 

 

 

The Bowling Date #2

bowling date 30s

Blog #21

This mid 30’s year old came from eHarmony and we went through the entire (silly) canned Q&A process together over the course of a couple of days.

She seemed pretty status quo but wasn’t from the city – she was from nearly 2 hours away in a small town which may as well have made her from Mars in comparison to the city girls I’d been dating thus far.

Post secondary education?  Nope.  Professional job?  Nada.  New car and a home owner?  Hell no.

She worked at a factory and drove a beater.

Now I am not against that, I was there myself in my 20’s along with the small town living so none of this was foreign or unacceptable to me.

However, she was a back burner broad at best but I wanted to get out of the city that weekend and she was close to friends and family of mine, so I figured I’d travel to see her, and then see family/friends afterwards.

Grammar was negligible at best too “What time do you work tell” (and it wasn’t auto correct)

The agreed date was to meet at a coffee shop, then go bowling.

We met on the sidewalk outside of the coffee pub and she was looking pretty good!  Long brunette hair and a nice jacket with designer jeans accentuating her body that had stayed in pretty good shape over the years.  Her looks were good – now about the other half…

Right from the get-go it was apparent she didn’t go on many dates, and was all too anxious to tell the world that she was on one right now.

Everyone in line at the coffee shop knew, the girl who took our order knew, the people sitting behind us knew – and so did her mother, father and friends.

Fine..

Then came conversation topics from her, and every single one of them would’ve been interesting to me – if I was still 19 years old.  She also dove in with both feet regarding her ex, his job, things they did and his mother.  It was pretty bad – I mean, why would any girl on a date even bring this stuff up?

I know she’s a dating newbie and all – but really?  I don’t f***ing care about your ex.  No date ever does, it’s the #1 thing you don’t talk about.

After steering the “conversation” back on track while slamming back my vanilla latte, I said “So where’s the bowling alley from here” and a few minutes later off we went.

The bowling part was alright but became a chore after the first two games and I basically wanted out, but would see the date through.

This is when some mixed messages came from her “I am so tired and have to be up at 5am”

I am thinking yup, of course you do – as I am taking off my bowling shoes.  Even before the start of this date I’d decided that I may try to get back to her place if it went well enough (*cough *cough – mutual physical attraction) which was there but after her 3-4 “hints” I didn’t even bother and I just took her back to her car.

As I pulled up behind her car I was basically expecting her to say a quick goodbye and bail – but she hung around and told me she had so much fun, thanked me for coming and suggested she come up to my area next time.

I told her yes she could do that, there was far more to do before I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek – as she giggled and got out of the car.

A couple of hours later I got a text from her again thanking me for taking her out.

This is one I’ll get down with physically, but nothing else, and at 36 I am sure she knows that too – but even that has a very slim chance of happening.

 

 Update: Received a “hey whats up” text from her just over a month after our date, I chatted with her but didn’t instigate anything, too many buns in the oven currently to care.

 

 

 

 

 

Bowling Date #1

bowling date

Blog #20

This weeks two dates were quite similar in activity and demographic – but oh boy were the girls ever different.

Date #1 (D1) and I had tossed a few messages back and forth over the duration of a few weeks and I don’t think there were even more than 5 messages sent in total.  She was 35, professional job, highly educated and pretty snarky.

After a long delay in the last messages we had sent I noticed she had posted a couple new pictures of herself, to which I went and commented that I liked one of them.

She responded “Thanks, perhaps we can talk on the phone soon” – and within 10 minutes we were chatting.

This girl was an experienced (serial) dater “I’ve been doing this for years” she told me.  I then asked how many dates she’d been on in 2014 and she proudly said 10, like it was a badge of honor.  She then asked me how many I’d been on and I told her I’d been on 15 in just 2 and a half months – to which she took surprise.  I truthfully assured her that I wasn’t out serial fornicating these women, hell, I wasn’t even kissing them on the lips!  I was just meeting them to see if anything long term was there.

This quickly escalated into a hilarious “who had been on the worse date” discussion before agreeing to meet up a few days later at a bowling alley to have some fun.

I pulled in beside her in the parking lot and we greeted each other there.  She really, really, stared at me long – like a deer caught in the headlights (which she would later explain why).  Within a few minutes we were bowling, and it was like World War 3 between us!  I knew we were alike after our phone call, and you know what happens when people are similar – they either love each other, or hate each other.  This was leaning toward hate.

Her “Get off the damn platform, its my turn”

Me “You suck”

We’ve known each other all of 12 minutes at this point, by the way.

She eeked out a win on the lanes, so I steered us over to the car racing video games and took her to school there, it was 1-1 and the date was only an hour in.

I said we’d have to do something else, and she suggested going for coffee, so off we went, me following her.

The coffee bit was good as she calmed down a bit and I got to see a little more of the real her.  She had also confessed that I apparently looked identical to one of her uncles (hence the earlier staring).  We parted ways in the parking lot after a long hug while expressing how much fun the date had been.  I left there happy – it was a good date, she kept me on my toes and even asked me to text her when I got home.

The thing is, I was happy simply because the “date” had gone well but not because I truly thought I’d met my literal match.

I did text her when I got home (still in date-blur mode) to which she responded that she had fun and “you can’t go wrong with balls and hot dogs” (what we ate) and then I said we’ll have to do it again sometime.

– No response to that from her, and the morning after I noticed she was already back on the dating site (admittedly, so was I) and it was then that I let go of D1.  We did have fun that night, but that was it in the life of a couple serial daters.

I met another mid 30’s girl for bowling and coffee just 3 days later and you can read about that one next..