The (smoking hot) Smoker


During the latest eHarmony kick I was messaged by an interesting brunette – interesting photos, I mean, as I never read a single word on her profile.  Her pictures were delicious even if her written dialogue left a little to be desired.

After our online back and forth we agreed to chat on the phone and it went well so at the end of the call we set up our meet at a bar in her part of town.

I got there 10 minutes early before getting her text “I am here” – and I replied “So am I, let’s meet in front of the place”

A minute later I was confronted by a true vixen – this girl oozed sex appeal, by far the hottest one yet, so hot that it knocked me off my game and sent me into “omg omg omg” mode.  We were seated on the patio and she managed to turn every-single-guys-head that we walked past, she was that kinda hot – and honestly a level of hotness I’ve avoided, or at least tried to, on this dating  journey.  I don’t want a show car, I just want something good-looking and reliable!

Regardless, I was obviously pulled into her sinister eyes and I was all in.

Remember at the beginning I said I never read her profile?  Yeah, that became quite apparent when she pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit up – “You don’t mind if I smoke do you?” – “No I don’t mind, I quit back in November”.  This made her second guess lighting up, but I assured her it was ok, even though up until that point I had never met a smoker and really wasn’t planning on it, I even have the setting on the dating site set to NO in regards to smokers, but somehow she had fallen through the cracks, and I wasn’t about to complain!

Looks aside, there were some problems though – she informed me that she had just gotten out of an 8 year relationship 6-months prior and I don’t care who you are, you aren’t over an 8-year relationship in just 6 months.  This came through in droves by reading her body language and how she mentioned the pain and fights they had.  This then slid into long-standing issues she had with her parents.  Somewhere along the line they never taught her how to ride a bicycle, oops.  Camping, traveling, skiing and just about everything else was left alone too – from here the “date” began turning into a therapy session involving her telling me the issue and me trying to reason with her on why it had happened and what she can do to fix it.

“Don’t think of it as all the things you haven’t done – think of all the fun that lies ahead”

“Change the situations and the results will bring happiness”

Stuff like that.

We had met at 8pm and by 11:30 we were both tired, her beginning work at 6:30am (date was on a Monday) so I got the bill and we headed into the parking lot.  For whatever reason I blurted out “well I am parked over there” (not walking her to her car like I should have) and she turned around, came in for a very close hug and kissed me on the cheek, and I returned the same.

As I drove home I was indeed charged by her epic levels of beauty but after a couple of days the feelings began to wane due to her other obvious problems that needed to be taken care of (by her).  Although I indulged all of this to a close friend he agreed that she likely wasn’t over the ex but that she would be a prime candidate to have a little fun in the sack with – him basically saying that was probably all she was looking for, and maybe be taught how to ride a bike between sessions.

I agreed.

I sent her a note on the dating site 5 days after we had met, saying we could meet up for a coffee and a walk / chat.  A couple of days later I saw that she had visited my profile again, but got no response to my message – oh well!

‘Til next time


The drunken brush with “organic dating”

I'll take the brunette

I’ll take the brunette!

We all have that one crazy friend.  The one that drinks too much, talks too much, gets into trouble with the law and is just an absolute riot to be around.  Well, he spent the weekend at my place and we went to the local bar together.

During (many) drinks on my balcony he repeatedly told me I was crazy for doing all this online dating.  He brought up viable points, such as cost (likely close to $2000 by now) and just what was I exactly getting out of it? (so far absolutely nothing)

“Dude, you have this sweet pad here, a sick car and all of that down there.  What is it that you want?

Me: “A girlfriend”

Him: Then man, go down there and get one.

We then agreed that we would hit the bar (a big, busy, packed with women, within walking distance – bar) tonight, and we’d be playing by his rules.

I agreed.

I had already drank way too much to try to attempt this but I figured he would at least be an ice breaker and I could take things from there – if only it was so easy.  When we arrived and paid the cover we went to the bar and got food – yes, food, the only two idiots eating at a packed bar on a Saturday night.  Although as we finished I noticed a very cute brunette giving me pleasant glances.  She was standing with her red-head friend and after she realized that there was two of us, and two of them, they came and stood beside us at the bar where we were sitting.

I told Jamie “Hey, right there, make your move, they’re handing themselves to us on a platter – this couldn’t be any easier”

Him: “Not feeling it man”

Right then I reached over and touched the red-head on the arm and then scoffed back into my seat – intending to make it look like HE had touched her, and be forced to say something to her.  But what did he do?  He got up and left ME there all by myself.

I then went over to them and said “He likes you, he’s just nervous” – like a total and complete moron.  However, the cute brunette took this in and began talking to me, what about – I cannot remember, but we did end up going out to the patio together, the 4 of us – and nobody said anything to anyone.  Awkward?  Indeed.

Out of nowhere some world cup fanatic came bouncing across and we ended up talking to him, the 2 girls left.  We soon followed them back inside but Jamie was done with the bar and wanted to go back to the balcony for more drinks “in peace”.

As I was leaving I saw the brunette standing by the bar again, we locked eyes and I gave her a light touch and a “good night” on my way by as she smiled and said the same.

Its stuff like that, why I usually just default to online dating.


The Bad Idea

BORING Rubber Stamp

This one I met through eHarmony and right off the bat I could tell she was going about dating all wrong.  She went for the phone call very early (which is cool) but during that first call she made it very apparent that she wanted kids, just without coming out and saying it.

“Well, when I raise my kids” – stuff like that.  The first call was then followed up by nightly texts “Can you call?” which came three times…

She also lied about her career, on her profile it said child care, but in person that turned into “collections agent”.  Any normal guy would have bailed, but I stayed the course.  One time she even blurted out “guys get scared and run away very easily” – and I am thinking “of course they do, you want kids tomorrow but have zero means to pay for them”.

Her dream job was to just turn “her” house into a daycare so she could raise her kids while making money looking after other kids as well.  Yes, all of this and we hadn’t even met yet!  Ahhhh, I can see it now, single income and coming home to 14 kids running around the house – this is what dreams are made of!!

This all happened alongside text messages like “What are you doing right now?”, “Where are you?”, “I guess you found someone else, huh?”, “Are we still meeting in an hour?”

She was nuts but the truth was I had been having a treacherous week with other stuff and having a date to look forward to seemed to take the edge off.

We set the date for Friday at 7pm to grab drinks then play mini-golf.  I arrived 10 minutes before and parked, I got a text from her that she was there and parked, on the opposite side of the parking lot, an honest mile away from where I was – facing a furniture store.  I was like, why the hell is she way over there??  She texted that she would walk over to meet me, I said OK, I’ll walk and meet you.

I walked, and walked – and walked.  I couldn’t see anyone.  I did a full lap and just headed back to my car, which was when I saw her walking around aimlessly staring into her phone.  I approached.  Right away no chemistry, as I knew there wouldn’t be the entire time.  This was one of those meetings where it’s like “oh cool, I am on a date with Nancy from HR” – just a mediocre girl with no sizzle.

I felt bad because she went for a hug but I was in the middle of asking her why she parked at the furniture store?  Which caught her off guard and I got an “I dunno” answer.  I said let’s go grab some food and then hit up the min-putt place, which she agreed.  She said she had already eaten but might get something to nibble on (I hadn’t eaten and was starving).  I ordered my food and she ordered mushroom quesadillas – weird, but whatever.

After eating two of them though (in near complete silence), she abruptly got up and quickly made her way to the ladies room.  Upon her return it was apparent all those mushrooms weren’t agreeing with her.  “My stomach is gurgling” ,”ordering that was a bad idea”

So we leave, I asked if she was still up for mini-golf and she said no, but could we go for a walk, or even better, a walk through the furniture store.

Uhh, thanks but no thanks, how about we just walk around outside.  We made a lap around a few buildings and she said that she’s better get going as she really wasn’t feeling well.  So I walked her over by her car and said “Well I am way over there, nice meeting you, byyyeee” and snuffed another 2 hug attempts from her.

#1 who even eats mushroom quesadilla on a first date?  And #2 even if you do and fall ill, try to stick it out for longer than 20 minutes.

One of two things happened, she used it as an excuse to bail, which is fine as its apparently blatant as day when I am uninterested no matter how hard I try to act like I am or she truly did get a little woozy feeling and wussed out to go back to the warm embrace of her mother (who she lived with, at 34).  Both are deal breakers.

All remnants deleted/blocked and that will be the first and last time I aim low.

In near disgust I hopped back in my car, feeling completely used/stupid for the $40 I had just spent on an absolute stranger and headed home to get drunk with friends.


The roadtrip date Latina


Well here’s one that I thought might just have a chance.  Girl #21 was by far the cutest of them all, one of the coolest and one that I had the most fun with.  Everything just felt natural and I thought it was the beginning of something special, however that wouldn’t be the case.

I had sent her a message on the dating site and we chatted back and forth every night or two.  I sensed a good connection so I offered her my number and asked her to text me if she’d like to move the conversation to that.

That’s when I didn’t hear anything from her.

I figured that I must have spooked her by going for the phone after so few messages so after a week or so I deleted her messages and focused on others.  Then about 2 weeks later I get a random text “Hey its D, you gave me your number awhile back and I am sorry it took so long to reply but better late than never?”

Red flag? Yes – but I figured she had probably been dating someone else and it had fallen through, she was also really hot, so I took the bait and we started chatting away.

We met the next Sunday by her place.  She looked adorable as she walked up to me and we hugged, her body language was also very good the entire time.  We grabbed a bite to eat almost right away and that’s when I was telling her about an amazing farmers market about an hour outside of the city and she abruptly said “lets do it next Saturday”.

Almost in shock I was like – really?

She was dead serious.

In my head I knew it had a very slim chance of happening as our date was still very much in its infancy and just too many things could go wrong.

But nothing went wrong, it only got better.

As we parted ways we made arrangements to meet up the next Saturday morning and then drive down to the market – this was right after a very flirtatious and slow stroll though a large antique shop.  Her trying on vintage clothes, the two of use sitting on vintage furniture together and playfully touching each other along the way.  This had been a very good first date!

After that I didn’t text her for 2 or 3 days, and when I did I simply asked if we were still on for Saturday – she responded “Hey :)… YES!!!!”

I picked her up on Saturday morning and we drove down to the market.  Conversation flowed even better than I had imagined, time flew by and we had a great time.  I asked her several times “Are you enjoying yourself?” and she assured me with big smiles and laughter that she was having an amazing time.  Her body language was even better and more positive than before and she also gave me her business card so I could see that she was “real”.  After lunch and trips through the market and several antique shops we found ourselves back on the highway headed for home.

I pulled up to her car and we loaded in the items that she had purchased.

This was when I said we’ll have to do something even more fun for date #3 and she suggested the local six-flags type park.  We’d ride the roller coasters and it would be a blast, but she reminded me that she was going to see friends in Boston next weekend so it would have to be the weekend after – which was fine by me, I’d finally have a weekend off from dating!

She then stood very close to me, looking straight up into my eyes smiling, I hugged her and went for the kiss but she turned slightly and I got the top/side of her lips.


I figured it was just a screw up and drove off dreaming about our fun-park date in 2 weeks.

On Monday morning I sent her a text asking how the food and flowers were that she had bought at the market – but didn’t get a response all afternoon.  I knew this was a bad sign but she was the one that made plans for a 3rd date.  When I got home from work it really began setting into my gut that something was wrong and I could sense the inevitable “Dear John, Go F*ck yourself” text message – and sure as sh*t it came though about an hour later.

“I loved hanging out with you and thank you so much for taking me to the market, but I just don’t see us as a couple”

I’ve gotten those before, but this time it really hurt.

I shot back in an effort to gain important feedback “I understand, but I’d appreciate it if you could tell me what turned you off for next time”

She replied “No turn off, its just something you feel”

Me: It was very nice hanging out with you, you are a sweet heart, bye”

Her “You’re pretty awesome too”

Me – Select all messages, delete.  Contacts: her name – Delete.


‘Till next time!