Guest Post: How I was an asshole the day before Valentines

So I’ve been relationship single for about a year, had a bounce around but that went to the side. My bud tells me that maybe I should try Match or something, so WTH I ‘giver a shot.

Girl chats me up on there talking how she likes a lot of the stuff I do. Sleds, 4-wheelers etc.

She was pretty cute, my picture was on there too so she knew what I looked like and it was a recent pic. Anyways we agree to meet. I let her know I gotta wake up early to help on a friends farm in the morning and I will have some hydraulic rams for his skidder in the box of my truck.

I agree to take her out to a nice steak house in my area, I am talking $50 tenderloin place and $5 drinks. She knows the place and is all exited saying she went there when she was a kid and knows they have awesome steak and its been a long time, so in my head I am thinking this is gonna go good.

Well she rolls up in a brand new Buick or something all cleaned up and mind you its -20 outside. My PSD (power stroke diesel) is rattling away covered in road salt. So I am feeling like an ass already.

I jump out and say “You ready to get some steak?” She says yes and we start rolling out, its a good 30 minute drive but she starts giving me the clues right away “how shes tired” and “tomorrow is a busy day for her” then starts in with saying opposites of what she liked before……..

So at this time I am just like WTF am I taking this broad out for?  I turn the truck around and start heading back the way we came. I know the side roads so she asks “how far is this place away?” I think she was wondering WTF was going on but she wasn’t gonna say it.  I kept it calm and cool asking about her kid and all that, then about some local racing she liked to watch.

I come in through the backside of where I picked her up and she realizes that were back where I picked her up.

She asks “why are we back here?”
I tell her “since you keep saying how you’re tired and you got a big day tomorrow I think I am just gonna make sure you get the sleep you need and get a good start for tomorrow”.

She looks right at me, with some evil eyes and opens the door and gets out.

I leave and go to the steakhouse that I was gonna take her to.  Spent the money I was going to spend on her on Captain and Root beers.

Mrs Red Flag City

She had sent me a message on match but her profile only had one picture and it wasn’t of her – it was of an ocean.  I quickly told her I need to see what she looks like – she says she took them all down due to receiving “weird messages from men”.

That was the first red flag.

She uploads a blurry head shot, then a couple more showing her very nice body, I am game.  So we start chatting.  She had been through a (I assume rough) divorce 2-3 years prior and told me she had taken quite a bit of time to heal and get her mojo back, which is understandable.  We seem to gel pretty well, so I go for the date and she shoots me down!  She says she had her tonsils pulled 3 weeks ago and she’s still healing from that!

There’s the second red flag.

Our slew of messages has now deteriorated to maybe one a day as I have no idea what this chicks deal is, but she continues to send messages – now asking things you ask in person.  Personality types, what am I looking for, where do I see myself in 5 years type questions.  I send a sly answer and firmly ask again for the meet and she agrees.  I tell her I’ll find a nice spot at the half way point and she likes the idea.

I find a really nice, quiet cafe, booth style seating, nice ambiance – perfect for a first date, but remember what I am dealing with.

Yeah – she said that wasn’t going to work as she used to live in the area (big town with a population of 200,000) and she was fearful of running into someone she knows, and asks if I can pick another spot in the next town over.

3rd red flag, you’re outta here!

I told her this was never going to work, she had way too many rules and restrictions – among whatever the hell else was causing her to act like that.

Wanna know what she responded with?

“Nothing ventured nothing gained”

Someone needs to heed their own advice.

The end.

 

The Hot Pants

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I am a sucker for girls that wear shiny tight black leggings, big time, and when she walked in wearing them I couldn’t have been happier.  I ordered a beer, she wine and then we shared a huge plate of nachos and cheese.  I had big plans for this one, but nearing the end of the date she told me how she absolutely does NOT kiss on a first date and how she had squirmed away from the last guy that tried.

Ugh.  Structured.

“Maybe the cheek”

I won’t say the conversation was all that great, all she really talked about was her mundane job (in an attempt to glorify)  and she had a really low overall energy about herself.  I did manage to make her laugh and loosen up but she was low energy at the core.  I also didn’t get to indulge in her hot-pant glory as we were in a booth and she never got up – so I knew what to plan for date #2 after giving her a peck on the cheek at the end of date #1.

We would play pool!

I set the date up at a pool hall / bar / grille in an attempt to make things more upbeat and active as 2nd dates should be, my hopes were soon dashed.

She showed up looking like she hadn’t slept, or dare I say showered in a week.  Her done up hair legit looked greasy.    All pool tables were being used so we were once again stuck in a booth with her going on and on about her job while nearly putting me to sleep.

Conversation sputtered along until I got the bill and we left.  In both cases her uber driver showed up within seconds killing my end date kissing game, but I did manage to plant one on her willing lips at the end, but I knew this one was D.O.A.

The next day I received a text thanking me for the nachos but she wasn’t feeling the mutual chemistry that we should be at this point and I was quick to agree with her.  I love not having to be the schmuck – and wished her all the best.

Without her telling me of her structured rules I would have kissed her passionately, or at least tried, at the end of date #1 and only one of two things would have happened.  She would have enjoyed it, or cheeked me.  If she enjoyed it, date #2 would have been much more interesting and if she cheeked me it would have been over right then and there.