Guest Post: How I was an asshole the day before Valentines

So I’ve been relationship single for about a year, had a bounce around but that went to the side. My bud tells me that maybe I should try Match or something, so WTH I ‘giver a shot.

Girl chats me up on there talking how she likes a lot of the stuff I do. Sleds, 4-wheelers etc.

She was pretty cute, my picture was on there too so she knew what I looked like and it was a recent pic. Anyways we agree to meet. I let her know I gotta wake up early to help on a friends farm in the morning and I will have some hydraulic rams for his skidder in the box of my truck.

I agree to take her out to a nice steak house in my area, I am talking $50 tenderloin place and $5 drinks. She knows the place and is all exited saying she went there when she was a kid and knows they have awesome steak and its been a long time, so in my head I am thinking this is gonna go good.

Well she rolls up in a brand new Buick or something all cleaned up and mind you its -20 outside. My PSD (power stroke diesel) is rattling away covered in road salt. So I am feeling like an ass already.

I jump out and say “You ready to get some steak?” She says yes and we start rolling out, its a good 30 minute drive but she starts giving me the clues right away “how shes tired” and “tomorrow is a busy day for her” then starts in with saying opposites of what she liked before……..

So at this time I am just like WTF am I taking this broad out for?  I turn the truck around and start heading back the way we came. I know the side roads so she asks “how far is this place away?” I think she was wondering WTF was going on but she wasn’t gonna say it.  I kept it calm and cool asking about her kid and all that, then about some local racing she liked to watch.

I come in through the backside of where I picked her up and she realizes that were back where I picked her up.

She asks “why are we back here?”
I tell her “since you keep saying how you’re tired and you got a big day tomorrow I think I am just gonna make sure you get the sleep you need and get a good start for tomorrow”.

She looks right at me, with some evil eyes and opens the door and gets out.

I leave and go to the steakhouse that I was gonna take her to.  Spent the money I was going to spend on her on Captain and Root beers.

A Male Bumble Review

Welcome to bumble

I know that I said I hated free dating apps and sites, but a few days ago I bit the bullet and downloaded Bumble.  I also had to make a dummy Facebook account because I tossed my original one into the trash 5 years ago.

For those that don’t know, its a swipe app and after you are matched, the woman has to reply first within 24hrs of matching, and we have to reply back within 24hrs or you lose your shot.

Observation #1 is that almost all of the girls on it are beautiful – my initial run through had me literally trying to find ones that weren’t right-swipe worthy, and it was hard.  But I digress, looks alone are great in your 20’s but I desire a wee bit more than that in my 30’s and unless they tell you about themselves in the short bio, you are left to go off nothing but looks, location, age and (optional) career + education.

How about height?  I am 6 foot and don’t want to swipe on anyone taller.

Religion? I love and celebrate Christmas and other Christian holidays and its an instant deal breaker if you don’t.

Body type?  Self explanatory.

The other issue here is the widely discussed algorithm they have in place for men.  When I first signed up and started swiping I got about 5 or 6 matches and was messaged by 3 ladies.  Pretty normal I thought, until later on I realized I had swiped hundreds of profiles and the matches all but stopped – and I wanted to know why so I did some digging.

Basically, new male members are sent to the bottom of the barrel and have to work their way up to be shown to the more popular members based on how many right swipes we get over time.  I assume the first batch of matches I got was a little taste of the top to convince me to not insta-delete the app out of frustration.  From my research other men experienced the same thing right after signing up.

Fair enough I thought, over a week or so I should have generated enough right swipes to be “in the show” but even this was flawed.  Apparently many men right swipe everyone which in-turn makes almost every right swipe for women a match which bogs down the entire system.  It could be weeks or months before a girl I right-swiped on today even comes across my profile.

I’ve also scrolled though at least 15 previous dates hanging out on here so this has been like a reunion, with a left swipe adios.

I am at 4 days in and I get 1, maybe 2 matches a day and I have pretty much stopped swiping so it can catch up.  Oh, I take it you have noticed the image up there – here’s another

It’s not just guys……

UPDATE: 4/15/17

I am now finally getting quality matches, I assume I qualified to Bumbles standards?  Women I match with tend to message within the hour or not at all.  I will updated later.

Final Update:

I didn’t like it, whenever I was messaging with a girl I could tell I was just one of many dudes she was juggling.  Lots of one word answers, not asking me questions on top of the aforementioned algorithm debacle makes me have to give this app two thumbs down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mrs Red Flag City

She had sent me a message on match but her profile only had one picture and it wasn’t of her – it was of an ocean.  I quickly told her I need to see what she looks like – she says she took them all down due to receiving “weird messages from men”.

That was the first red flag.

She uploads a blurry head shot, then a couple more showing her very nice body, I am game.  So we start chatting.  She had been through a (I assume rough) divorce 2-3 years prior and told me she had taken quite a bit of time to heal and get her mojo back, which is understandable.  We seem to gel pretty well, so I go for the date and she shoots me down!  She says she had her tonsils pulled 3 weeks ago and she’s still healing from that!

There’s the second red flag.

Our slew of messages has now deteriorated to maybe one a day as I have no idea what this chicks deal is, but she continues to send messages – now asking things you ask in person.  Personality types, what am I looking for, where do I see myself in 5 years type questions.  I send a sly answer and firmly ask again for the meet and she agrees.  I tell her I’ll find a nice spot at the half way point and she likes the idea.

I find a really nice, quiet cafe, booth style seating, nice ambiance – perfect for a first date, but remember what I am dealing with.

Yeah – she said that wasn’t going to work as she used to live in the area (big town with a population of 200,000) and she was fearful of running into someone she knows, and asks if I can pick another spot in the next town over.

3rd red flag, you’re outta here!

I told her this was never going to work, she had way too many rules and restrictions – among whatever the hell else was causing her to act like that.

Wanna know what she responded with?

“Nothing ventured nothing gained”

Someone needs to heed their own advice.

The end.

 

Objects in Mirror….

We had been chatting for about a week before I suggested a place to meet up.  She only had two pictures, both from the shoulders/boobs up.  Her frame looked normal size so I thought nothing of it.

Curly haired Italian chick that told me she worked out every day – so I really had my guard down.

As I was driving to the meeting spot, she texted me that she was there and waiting, about 45 minutes early!  She said to let her know when I arrived, which I did before heading in – but I saw nobody that looked like her.

Right then I got a text, she had gone to the wrong location, big time.  She wasn’t even in the right city!  I laughed it off and waited for her to show…

I watched her pull in and exit her car and right then I knew I was in trouble.  She was 29, but the two pictures were clearly taken when she was 21 or 22 and she had changed a lot in that time frame.  She could have honestly said she was the girl’s mother and I would have bought it.  Much different face, significantly overweight and tired looking.

She also had something that looked like a rug draped over her shoulders, I assume to try and stay covered up or something.

I had one drink and left

 

 

The Rebounder

Dating a rebounder

It’s fun when you’ve dated enough to know what’s going to happen, before it happens and when dealing with a rebounder it’s never going to end well.

We met on match – the dating site that automatically renewed me for 3 additional months, when I was planning on taking the summer off from this craziness.  I was free, until I saw my credit card bill.  Ugh.

It starts with a check-in every few days, then responding to messages – and before you know it, you are right back in online dating hell.

We began chatting and everything seemed ok, she was totally normal.  That all came crashing down though when her answer to my question of when her last relationship was came back as “4 months ago”.  Even that turned out to be exaggerated because she had just moved out of their place 2 months ago, where they had lived together for 7 years.

She assured me she was over him, but I am sorry – that is impossible.

I stayed in it because she kept on insisting on coming over to my place – but even I am not that crazy for a first date, so we met half way.  We met in the parking lot and on our way into the bar she put her arm around my waist.  I had known her 10 seconds.

There was also the previous texting, which was also a dead giveaway that I was dealing with a rebounder (in denial).

Rebounders are easy to spot because they are trying to pick-up right where they left off with their ex.  The good morning texts, the deep conversations and apparently the public displays of affection.

After we had a drink at the bar we decided to go for a walk along the waterfront – she was holding my hand within a few minutes.  Who in the hell holds hands on a first date?

There was also lots and lots of kissing – which I enjoyed, but I never truly committed any feelings for her because I knew of the impending collapse.  She had asked to come to my area so we made a date then and there for a few days later.  This was great for me, because it would mean lots of hot sweaty sex.  She texted me when she got home from the date, the next morning, afternoon and night.

However, the day before our date she had gone silent.  Her last message was something along the lines of “Heading back to work now, I’ll text you later xoxoxox”

The next day, nothing.

The day of I sent a simple text, fully knowing she had very likely gone rebounder awol.

“are you still coming?”

Now usually I would never send something like that, but I had another girl asking me if we could meet that night – a very hot girl, that wasn’t on the rebound – so I needed to know.

Nope, not even a response to that.

A day later her dating profile was deleted too.

I make this post for no other reason than to warn you out there – dating sites are clogged with rebounders doing nothing but wasting the time of people who are ready to date and find a relationship so always ask when their last relationship was.  If its been recent or if they have to keep bringing up their ex – they aren’t over them yet.  If they aren’t over them, they aren’t ready to date and its only a matter of time before they figure that out.

 

 

 

The 28 Year Old

I usually don’t date women under the age of 30, I just tend to have more in common with the ones that have been on this planet for a similar amount of time as I.  However, exceptions can be made, and I did for this “waste no time” 28-year-old that reached out to me first.  She asked to meet after the second message and I was more than happy to oblige.  We exchanged numbers and all I sent was “see you there at 8pm on Thursday”.  She replied “see you soon”.

I met her in front of the coffee place (her idea).  She didn’t really look like her (vague) pictures, but close enough, and that seems to be the norm – and I get it.  She’s blonde, about 5’9″, in very nice shape, conservatively dressed, minimal – if any – makeup, she didn’t need it.

She jumped right into how she’s trying to start her own business, we get our teas and have a very nicely flowing conversation for about two hours, then she asked if I’d like to go for a walk – sure!

She’s Ukrainian born and lived most of her life in Italy but moved here in 2005 and plans to stay here forever, even though she does still bounce back and forth, getting in from Spain just two days before our date.  She asked me to walk her home and then I’d jump on the nearest subway and head back to my place.  Throughout the date she was dropping hints all over the place, like, “well you’ll have to show me how to do that”, “can you take me along next time?” – lots of things instigating future contact.  When we arrived at hers she says  “well maybe we can go skiing together, or jogging”

Skiing, WTF?  (Its Spring time)

I gave her the old “ass out” hug and went on my way.  She’s nice but I just wasn’t physically attracted to her, she came across like a business partner and not a love interest.  However, I am done with tossing potential friends aside after these dates.  I’ve mentioned before that I believe dating sites use an algorithm more or less to be friends than anything else (or worse, an algorithm designed to keep you paying and going on endless amounts of first dates, but that’s another post)  – and my gut tells me she’s on the same page.  I’ve learned from all this dating that 9 times out of 10 they feel the exact same way you do.

 

 

 

 

My First Online Date (2002) Part 2

bed-blonde-girl-memories-sad-Favim.com-55124

So where were we…

Oh yeah, in her bedroom and I left soon after.  If memory serves correct I think we met up in the city once or twice more, hung out at her place a couple more nights and then I screwed it all up.

I was to meet her at her place at 10pm and on my drive there I got a call from one of my good northern friends that a few of them were in the city at another friends place and to come over.  Which I did.  We ended up at a bar and we didn’t get back until 1:00 or 2:00am – I told her I was now on my way, and she basically told me to go f^ck myself.  Lol.

Now a little more back story on her, she dealt with depression and was bi-polar – so our little fight was a huge deal.  I remember going back onto the primitive chat site and she’d be on there posing as a guy, under fake names, being a weirdo.  She accused me of “holding a grudge” when we finally started chatting again.  Not long after this I “upgraded” my phone..

unlock-samsung-a520And it was an absolute nightmare to type on!  I also quit the factory job soon after and pretty much had no more need to chat with random strangers for hours on end anymore.  I did keep in touch with T though, she eventually went back to school, which I thought was amazing, but when I connected with her again in around 2004 she told me she “got depressed and dropped out”.

A few more years went by and I found her on Facebook around 2007.  I asked her how it was going, she said she was a happy “stay at home mom”.  I thought great!  But in our chats it was revealed that the home was her boyfriends moms basement somewhere in the middle of nowhere and that she wasn’t very happy at all.

She deleted her FB account not long after that and I can find no trace of her online anywhere.

So there you have it, my very first online date ever.

The End.

 

 

The Love It Or Hate It Dating Profile

17136298_love_hate_xlarge

I am going to go ahead and state that this post pertains mainly to men, but it’ll also work for the ladies to filter out the guys that aren’t just sending you messages based on your pictures.  This is to help you benefit the most from people who actually read profiles, and I am going to say more women do this than men.

So on with  the love it or hate it dating profile.

A popular car designer came up with a theory around 10 years ago and it’s been in place ever since.  That theory was to design “love it or hate it” vehicles.  Bland gets overlooked, but if they are head over heels for the design they will buy it, and f%ck the haters – you can design something else for them.  Bland “don’t offend anyone” design was popular in the 80’s and 90’s when cars looked like boxes or blobs, but since around 2005 its been all about love it or hate it.

2004 Chrysler 300 - betcha don't remember it.

2004 Chrysler 300 – betcha don’t remember it.

You know this one though!  2005 Chrysler 300 and you either love it or hate it.

You know this one though! 2005 Chrysler 300 and you either love it or hate it.

That said…

Don’t be “vanilla” when creating your dating profile in an attempt to be liked by everyone that reads it.  Write out who you are, what you like and what you do not like in  a creative and positive way.  Yeah, this will turn some viewers away, but it’ll also pull in others and hopefully prompt them to send you a note.  Show who the real you is and try as hard as you can to be unique and real.

I put this into place 3 days ago and I haven’t just received messages, I’ve received notes from women that have their claws out.  I’ve seen this vigor before, but not this much this often.  Hell, I have a 39-year-old from Wisconsin (no clue how she even found me) ready to jump on a plane and 3 locals vying for position.

Try it.

#dontbebland

 

Don’t “Chemistry” Yourself Off A Cliff

dating chemistry

“So sorry, I didn’t feel any chemistry”

How many of you have heard (or said) that in the online dating world?

Now – did you say, or even know about chemistry when you fell for your high school sweetheart or other organic relationships?  I am going to assume no – you likely fell over a period of time and different emotions.  This may have taken days, weeks or months – not a few notes passed across the classroom (texts) and one juice together (wine/beer) in the cafeteria (bar).

See where I am going with this?

I get it – and have lived it, first date fireworks are fucking awesome – but my organic relationships  lasted longer than my online ones – where literal nukes went off on the first dates in the form of “chemistry”.

So that said, I just want to say, don’t have so many crazy expectations for a first date – what you really want is compatibility, likeability and attraction.  If those things are met, yes, meet up again.

 

Setting Your Dating Standards

Setting-Standards

Date anyone that shows interest and it’ll lead to disappointment.  Date anyone with a few weak stipulations added by yourself over time, and it’ll still lead to disappointment.

Deep down you know what it is that you want  – and more importantly what you DON’T want.  So do this, grab a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.  On the right put down what you want, and on the left put down what you will NOT put up with.

Don’t hold back either and go full detail – eye color, height, career, income, weight, body type, beliefs, personality type/traits, family values, education – whatever you want – this is where you reel in the knowledge learned from past relationships to do better in the future.

Get it all out and on paper – and then post it on your fridge, or somewhere where you will see it every. single. day.

Burn that shit into your brain – this is essential.

When you see one of these beings out in the wild or online you will make a conscious effort to get yourself in front of them, because they are rare and special.

We are of a generation that has the most choice and selection for a wife or husband than ever before  due to technology- embrace it and be smart about it.

To get what you want and know you deserve is your birthright, go get it.